Star Wars! The Retarded Version!
by Mikomi and Nenriki
Summary: So here's how the story should have gone...Anakin is gay, Padme is on a mission with Mace Windu to turn him straight, Grevious has taken control of the narcoleptic poodles, and Obi Wan has lost his left shoe...read and enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Mikomi: **Okay so this is our first story and we decided to do a Star Wars theme and I hope we don't offend anyone..I mean I'm so upset that we had to make Anakin gay because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Hayden Christensen! Now Nenriki tolerates my obsession but hates it! haha

**Nenriki: **Sadly I do tolerate it...Enjoy the story!

**O.o.O**

In a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far, etc. away there were two men, one of sexy, macho nature and the other of austereuestiously—wait no, its…austere…yeah and compelling nature. These two men bore the names of Anakin Skywalker and Obi wan Kenobi. As they giddily rode in their spaceships Anakin looked at the buttons in confusion.

"Master, what I am about to tell you, you must not tell anyone else, for it will ruin the elusion of my machoness. But HOW THE HELL DO YOU WORK THIS FUCKING SPACESHIP!"

Obi Wan shifted uncomfortably. "Oh dear, and for a second I thought you were going to confess to me that you liked men." He then turned to his other headset. "R2D2 take over Anakin's controls."

Anakin bit his bottom lip. Should he tell him? He sucked in his pride and calmly said, "Actually…I do. Why do you think that later in the movie I spend so much time with Senator Palpatine in his office…all alone?"

Obi Wan gasped. "You aren't supposed to tell the readers that you moron!"

Anakin looked around, bullets whizzing past his ship. "Readers?" he questioned.

Obi Wan smacked himself. "No! There's nothing out there."

Soon they reached the ship with little trouble. They got out of their space pods as soon as Anakin figured out what button to push to get out of the space ship. He did a very cool flip in the air. So cool, that space ship was frozen. He dramatically whipped out his lightsaver. Here's a little fun fact. A lightsaver is a saver of light. Just in case you did not know that.

Obi Wan smiled triumphantly as he exited his newly furnished spaceship. He looked down to make sure everything was in tact and gasped…very loudly. For, his LEFT SHOE WAS MISSING!

"Oh no!" he cried. "My left shoe is missing!" (If you don't get this…watch The Island)

And then…out of nowhere a narcoleptic poodle crash through the wall. (If you don't get this…watch Moulin Rouge.) Anakin's eyes gleamed.

"OHMIGOSH! A poodle! Awwww," he said stroking its fur. The poodle didn't budge…because of course it was narcoleptic. A/N: Mikomi: I need to write an essay on that…about narcoleptic poodles…I LOVE that word…ok sorry.) He kicked the poodle softly. It still didn't move. Anakin got very frustrated.

"WHY WON'T THE FUCKING POODLE MOVE!"

Obi Wan sighed.

"_We have earth shattering news,"_ said the person in Obi Wan's radio. _"Steve Irwin was just killed by a ferocious sting ray. It pierced him right through the heart."_

Obi Wan scoffed. "Stupid Steve. We all knew he'd die."

Back with Anakin…

"GOD DAMMIT MOVE!"

**O.o.O**

After many, many distractions our two heroes made it to the "room". (Mikomi: Save me! Nenriki threatened to smite me with an iron rod!) Anyways…Senator Palpatine smiled when he saw Anakin. However, when he saw Obi Wan he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Anakin didn't notice, but Obi Wan clung to the side of the wall in fear.

"Palpatine!" Anakin rejoiced, running towards him with arms stretched out before him.

"Anakin!" he rejoiced back.

Before they could embrace, Count Dooku (dun dun dun) burst through the door! "Anakin! Obi Wan! I see you have found my hiding place."

Obi Wan took a step forward. "The sexiness of my sock has doubled since the last time we met," he said wiggling his toes.

Count Dooku nodded in admiration. "Yes, so, cup of tea?"

"I'd love to!" Anakin said. Obi Wan hit him on the back of the head. "Not you, you moron. He's talking to me!"

Anakin pouted.

**O.o.O**

In the main control room…

Greevious (It's like green except with a vious!) paced back and forth. "Dooku is hopeless. Release the narcoleptic poodles!"

**O.o.O**

Obi Wan sat sipping happily on his cup of tea. "We'd love to stay for crumpets but we must be escaping now."

Count Dooku nodded. "Oh ok. Well, I think what I would say right now if this were an action movie would be…You must get past me first," he said jumping dramatically out of his chair and pulling out his red lightsaver.

Anakin ignited his pink lightsaver where the handle was decorated with tiny flowers.

Count Dooku said, "Oh! Where do you get your lightsaver done! I want one!"

Obi Wan fell to the floor shielding his eyes. The gayness was more than he could take.

"Oh I got it on the corner of fifth and—"

"Kill him Anakin!" Palpatine yelled from his chair.

Anakin's eyes gleamed. "Yes sir!" Anakin closed his eyes and swung his lightsaver in all directions. Count Dooku did the same. Not ONCE did their lightsavers touch, which caused Obi Wan to cry.

Obi Wan crawled over to the table where they had been having their tea and threw a small cup at Dooku's head. It hit him and he fell over. Anakin opened his eyes and cheered. "Boo yah!"

Obi Wan, seeing Anakin's lightsaver, fainted once again. Anakin walked over to Count Dooku and untied him. "Thank you, Anakin," he said rubbing his wrists. "Let's go, we don't have much time."

"But we must get Obi Wan!" Anakin protested.

"We have to leave him! We'll never make it out alive with him on your back!"

"But we CAN'T leave him," Anakin said with tears in his eyes. "I LOVE him!"

Senator Palpatine gasped. "What…?" he asked quietly, disbelievingly.

"I said I love him. He's like a brother to me."

Senator Palpatine let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, is that all?"

**O.o.O**

Back at Anakin's home…

Mace Windu burst dramatically through the door. "Padme!"

Padme looked up from her book. "Mace? What is it? Is everything alright?"

Mace gasped for air. "No! Everything's not alright! I found out from a secret source that Anakin is…is—gayyy!" He sobbed.

Padme gasped and put to her mouth. A few minutes later a light bulb appeared over her head. Mace stared in awe. "Whoa! I want a light bulb over my head."

"There is no time for that. I must seduce Anakin!"

Mace nodded. "Right! Quickly! To seduction mobile!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The Plastic Phone

-

Anakin ran through the hallway, Obi Wan slung over his shoulder. "Puff puff puff," Anakin said as he advanced towards the elevator.

Senator Palpatine put a hand on his shoulder. "Wait, do you hear that?"

Anakin ceased his puffing and turned around. "Hear what?" he questioned.

"It sounds—like—mud drowning people!"

Anakin blinked. "Uhhh…" he said.

"Here it comes! The mud is after us!"

"Where!?" Anakin screamed dropping Obi Wan in the process as his hands came up to his mouth in fear.

A furry white creature so dreadful, so scary, even Micheal Jackson would cease his normal evening….activities and run away in fear. For here, in front of Anakin and Senator Palpatine (not to mention the unconscious Obi Wan) stood….

The army of….

Narcoleptic Poodles. (Read in an ominous voice.)

**O.o.O**

"And all the boys go na na na na na na," Padame sang as they rode in the Seduction Mobile. She handed over the karaoke mic to Mace.

"And all the girls go na na na na na na," Mace sang in a high pitched girly voice. Padame clapped her hands together.

"Good job Mace! That was wonderful!"

Mace blushed. "O-oh, it was nothing," he said, flattered.

Padame looked at the street signs as they drove. One in particular read, "Darth Maul's Pretty and Pink Bookstore. Our specialty today is: How to turn gay guys straight, for dummies."

Padame's eyes widened and turned off at the nearest exit.

**O.o.O**

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Anakin screamed shrilly, stepping on Obi-Wan's leg.

"OWW!" Obi-Wan yelped, jerking out of unconsciousness.

"Oooh, Poodles!" Palpatine squealed.

"We are going to die." Anakin informed the others gravely. "We will have our limbs cut off and our eyeballs scraped out and our brains pulled out through our noses. Our hearts will be sucked out by gigantic suction hoses and then we will be dragged to a dungeon where a gigantic troll with a pet moose will beat us with crochet mallets and a potted cactus."

Everyone stared at him, their mouths hanging open and eyes wide. Even the narcoleptic poodles had ceased their advance.

"Yes, I know…it's sad but that's what's going to happen. If you must—take me first! Spare the others!" he cried, dropping to his knees.

The narcoleptic poodles stared at him before collapsing. "Anakin!" Palpatine cried. "You're braveness must have defeated them!"

Obi-wan muttered something incoherent about coconuts and idiots. Anakin skipped up to him—_skipped. _His eyes widened and he backed away. "No! Get away from me you—gay fiend!"

Anakin smiled at him, his hips swaying as he walked. "But Obi-wan," he purred.

(Censored in order to protect the delicate minds of young children.)

——————––INTERMISSION!——–———————

TIME FOR A WAL-MART COMMERCIAL!

 Here at Wal-mart we care!

BUY OUR –BEEP-IN STUFF!

The end.

——————––INTERMISSION OVER!——–———————

"First, place your hand here," Mace instructed.

"Okay now what?"

"Then here."

"Ooh yeah that's right."

"It feels ok? I'm not doing anything wrong?"

"No, no keep—oooh—going."

"Can I touch—here?"

"Oooh gods."

"I'm glad we got this 'How To Be a Masseuse' book," Padme said with a smile. Mace looked back at her.

"Me too…this feels so—refreshing!"

He hoped off the seat and got into the driver's side. Padme followed, getting into the passenger's side.

"So what does the book that we got for Anakin say?"

Padme skimmed the page. "Release his inner beast…"

"Isn't it a chipmunk?"

Padme shrugged. "Only one way to find out…"

**O.o.O**

Obi-wan dusted off his hands. "Well now that that is done."

Senator Palpatine gaped. "How dare you kill him!"

"Oh well…"

Anakin jumped up.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

"No…." Anakin said scratching his head. "Anyways—please Obi-wan?" he whined. "A lot of other stories have us together!!"

"Oh would you shut up!"

"No!"

"YES!"

"Fine."

"OKAY!"

"Mhm."

"LET'S GO!"

"Stop yelling."

"Oh right…sorry."

"I still think we could make this relationship work…"

"THERE ISN'T A RELATIONSHIP! THERE NEVER WAS AND THERE WILL NEVER BE ONE!"

Anakin sniffed. "It's alright if you just want to think about it for awhile. I understand."

Obi-Wan bristled menacingly.

"Never mind."

"That's right. Keep your grimy little paws of me!"

Palpatine was looking at Anakin like he had just squished one of those packaged marshmallow Peeps. "I thought you loved me, Anakin. I feel violated and used."

Anakin blinked at him. "Palpatine, we both know this relationship has been over for a long time. I need someone younger…someone-"

"STOP! JUST STOP TALKING!" Obi-Wan cried, covering his ears. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"

"…and perfect. I mean you were okay for awhile, but I need a real man."

Obi-Wan retched and ran dramatically out of the room.

Palpatine stared after him. "See? He doesn't want you, you two-timing bastard."

"Oh, he'll realize he wants me in awhile."

Palpatine coughed out something that sounded suspiciously like: "In your dreams you stupid son of a pig. My grandma can cook better than yours. I also have a cooler car."

Anakin stared at him angrily. "Did you just insult my grandma?"

"Of course I didn't."

"Alright, bozo! This relationship is over for good!"

"No, please!"

"OKAY EVERYBODY, SHUT UP!" Obi-Wan said suddenly, storming into the room with a large bruise on his forehead. He looked as if he had been smashing his head against something very hard for the past ten minutes.

"Gee, Obi. That contusion doesn't do much for your complexion."

**O.o.O**

"Next step…Make him 'excited'…."

"Well how do you do that?" Mace asked, now steering the seduction mobile.

"Uh…it says to make a man horny you have to—"

"Okay, okay…I don't need to know."

"Shouldn't you know? You are a guy…"

"Well yes," he said blushing. "Would you like to test it on me?"

"I—," Padme blushed. "Uh…as long as you don't tell Anakin…"

He pulled over the car and climbed into the backseat, Padme following him. She read the directions quietly to herself.

"Close your eyes."

He complied and heard rustling beside him. "Open your eyes."

Padme sat in front of him holding a DVD. "Here," she said shoving it at him. "Happy Feet."

"OHMIGOSH!"

Padme shrugged. "So what do you want for lunch?"

"How 'bout the bus stop?"

**O.o.O**

**A/N: Mikomi: Uhhhh...yeah--well hoped you liked it.**

**Nenriki: REVIEW!**

**Mikomi: NO FREAKIN FLAMES!**


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